What if ?
by JD11
Summary: I could’ve had a child… but I made a choice and now I have to live with it… Janet POV, one-shot


Author's Note: This one's from Janet's POV. I've got one from just about everyone now… all but Teal'c and Hammond…

Anyway, I'm not really sure if this is an AU. Kind of, I'd go with that thought. I do know that this is a very short, short story. This is absolutely the only chapter (of course I said that for every other short story and look where that got me shrugs). Also, this is around 6th season.

Oh well, please read on. Hope you like it.

Summary: I could've had a child… but I made a choice and now I have to live with it…

Genre: Angst; AU

Rating: G/K

Disclaimer: Own nothing, sell nothing, buy very little. This whole thing is just a figment of mine and your imaginations. (Wondering now if that's grammatically correct… don't think so…)

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What If… ?

There are so many millions of 'what if 's and 'could have's and 'should have's…

So many things we wish we had done… wish we could change.

I'm only human; I have the same thoughts. What if I hadn't become a doctor? What if I hadn't gone out with Robert in my senior year? What if I had never accepted the transfer to the SGC?

I've had time to think about it. If I hadn't become a doctor, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have married Robert…

If I had come here to the SGC… I thought it was an odd post for a military doctor and I did have another offer. What if I had taken the other one?

If I had, I wouldn't have saved the people I've saved. Wouldn't have done any of the things that I've done- medically, that is. And I wouldn't know… wouldn't have seen what I've seen…

I've seen some weird things in the past six years. Weird things… Alien parasites, stargates and naquada, Jaffa, alien viruses, invisible aliens, and all those other things.

And out of all my six years, I saw the weirdest… the strangest… the most painful thing ever… I saw a young boy. A seven year old…

That's the weirdest thing…

He's lying in my Infirmary; the others have finished talking to him. The poor boy…

I wish I could simply say that the weirdest thing about him was his anatomy or genes or something. I almost wish I could say it was because of his blood or something wrong with him.

But I can't…

No… it was something completely different…

I can't even say it's because he came through that god awful mirror. That's part of it…

… he has such dark eyes. I couldn't believe it at first. But then I saw his eyes…

…I had come in. I smiled, walking carefully and putting on my gloves. Didn't want to frighten him.

They had told me what had happened… the Quantum Mirror had been brought from Area 51- some scientists wanted to look at it or something. I don't know…

Sam was with someone. I guess the Colonel was there too. Don't know why…

She- Sam- said that it had activated suddenly. I can imagine the Colonel's hands in the air, saying 'I didn't do it!'.

And the boy just fell through and the mirror had shut down. He wasn't saying anything- the Colonel told me over the phone that he had tried everything…

Sam, however, said the key words: "He seems to know who we are. Myself and the Colonel, anyway."

Yes, he knew them. And Daniel. Luckily he even seemed to know Teal'c- in a good way. That's always helpful…

But he also knows me. I wasn't overly surprised. Another reality was bound to have another 'me'.

But he hadn't just known me…

Despite the airman, and the nurse, and the four members of SG-1, he had jumped down. He was faster than he looked… then he grabbed my legs. I nearly fell.

That didn't bother me. He knew them, why wouldn't he know me? But it was what he said… he called me 'mommy'…

'Mommy'?

Sure, in another reality I could have had children. But… this was my son? …

… he didn't know what was going on. He thought he was getting in trouble- 'Colonel Jack' was scaring him. He was talking like he didn't know him. The boy was whining… something about not meaning to, and it hurt, and he wanted to go home, and he wanted to the Colonel to stop, and he was sorry…

I just said it was okay and he wasn't in trouble. What was I supposed to say? …

He's so small. Seven he said…

Seven, eight years ago… just under two years before I joined the program. Not the best time of my life…

He has his eyes. Dark brown- chocolate brown. His hair- amber like mine- even falls in his eyes the same way…

'What if 's only come at certain times. Quiet times when everything's slow… and bad times when you think you can explain all the wrongs of the world with the thought of 'what if I had just…'

But it's never that easy. Never.

Sam tried to convince me that I couldn't change it. That I shouldn't dwell. But I can't help it. He's right there- he's my 'what if'…

This is one of the quiet times. The few times you're given to reflect on all the bad moments before new ones appear.

He's my bad moment. Well, not so much him but the idea of him…

'What if things weren't so bad back then?'

That's one I've thought of a lot. That 'what if'…

And… 'what if I hadn't done it?' …

'It' was something I struggled with, fought with. But in the end, I went through with 'it'. Robert never even knew… our marriage was failing. He was about to leave- New York or something.

But I chose and he stayed… then we signed the divorce papers a year later.

So, seven years later, I suddenly realize that… well, how it could have change. What would have been different? Would it have been better? But I never thought of him…

I could've had a son- Logan. I could've had this beautiful boy right here… Logan Robert Fraser… but I never really thought, 'what would he looked like?' or 'what would he be like?'… Not really anyway…

Maybe to avoid the pain. It was there since I made 'the choice' and it's never really gone away. Never really dealt with it. Never really had the time…

I could've had a child… he- or she- would be about seven. Eight soon, I guess. But I made a choice and I have to live with it…

That wasn't that bad… not eight years ago. Not even last month…

Today it's hard… Today I looked into my son's eyes and realized what I had given up.

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I hope you enjoyed that.

I don't know why or what the point of it was. Just sort of felt like it. I'll leave it up to you how the poor boy gets back home… or if he does… and how they tell him where he is…

Please drop a review before you leave. Thanks!


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